


This Kid's Not Alright

by Princex_N



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety, FTM Dave, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Misgendering, Name Changes, Self-Doubt, Transgender, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 07:11:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4657335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You've analysed yourself against this problem more times than you can count, and the problem isn't that you're forcing this. You know that you're not a girl, and you think that you've thought about it enough that you can't possibly be wrong about it. That's not what the problem is, that's not what the feeling is being caused by.</p><p>It's just that now you're at a total and complete loss of what to do, because if that's not it, then what could it possibly be?</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Kid's Not Alright

You know that you're right.

You don't actually think that you're wrong about anything related to this at all.

Except that feeling in your stomach won't go away, and you don't know what it is.

You know that if you tried to talk to someone about it, then they would tell you that he need to consider the option that you could be wrong. 

But that's not the problem.

You've analysed yourself against this problem more times than you can count, and the problem isn't that you're forcing this. You know that you're not a girl, and you think that you've thought about it enough that you can't possibly be wrong about it. That's not what the problem is, that's not what the feeling is being caused by.

It's just that now you're at a total and complete loss of what to do, because if that's not it, then what could it possibly be?

Fuck if you know.

And it's frustrating.

You're really fucking frustrated, and it's beginning to manifest as anger. Which is not the best thing.

Your binder is tight on your chest and you're breathing hard anyway, and the binder is just making it worse. You're not quite edging up on panic attack area, but you could be soon, and so you try to control your breathing, but you don't think that you're doing a very good job.

Because what if you are wrong? What if you got this mixed up with something else and you aren't really a guy, you're really just a girl and you've just been fooling yourself into thinking that you are. What if your Bro was fucking right this whole time? What if he was right, and what if you're too fucking stubborn to admit it?

What if what if what if?

You can't stop it.

You kind of want to scream, just to let out all of this shit in your chest and in your head, but if you does that then Bro will undoubtedly hear, and then he will pester you until you admit what's wrong, and then he'll lord it over your head until the fucking end of days. Because that's the kind of asshole Bro is.

He's the kind of asshole who will buy you a binder and let you "indulge in this fantasy", but he'll still call you his sister and he'll call you by your birth name, and he'll still treat you like a girl.

But you're really really not.

So you're not sure why this name thing is giving you such a nasty ass feeling in your stomach.

Even though you've known that you're a guy for four years now, ever since you learned that that was an actual viable (theoretical) option that you had, you've known that that's how shit was. You knew you were transgender from the first time you ever heard the fucking word.

And you've been looking for a name this whole time too, the day after you found the word, you starting looking for the name, and you figured that it couldn't be that hard.

Right?

Only it's been nearly five fucking years and here you still are, sitting on your floor and trying to find the right name to give yourself. Still looking because nothing seems to fit, nothing at all, not even your birth name, not short nicknames, not anything.

You've seriously considered the potential of just never having a name, of people just referring to you in vague statements and gestures towards your person, which could be cool, but you also know that it would never ever work, so you had to ditch that concept about two minutes after it was conceived.

Now you think you've found a name.

Two weeks before the new semester and you think that maybe you've found this name and it could maybe work, it's worked better and longer than any name you've considered before, but the problem is now that you're hella fucking nervous.

Your friends know about it, every so often, when you thought you'd found the right one, you told them about it and they helped you try it out, and every time that you told them that the name didn't work, they wished you luck in your search and went back to just calling you by your handle.

You've been trying out Dave for longer than any of the others, and all three of them have asked if you think this is it.

You said maybe.

And you're still sticking to that.

Even though you think that's what's causing this feeling.

You can't tell what it is.

Anxiety over telling your teachers? Your brother? If you want to tell your teachers, you're going to have to tell your Bro, whether you want to or not. Perfect world, you could do it under his nose so that you don't have to stand a lecture from his rare bursts of misplaced and incorrect parental guidance. But this is Texas, and even if it wasn't, they would probably ask him anyway because apparently you're too young to make your own decisions. Or something. You're not really sure what the excuses are anymore, you stopped looking. It made you nauseated to read.

Maybe it's the change. You've never really been super at handling that, and switching from Evelyn to Dave is a pretty harsh transition, no matter how you look at it. So that could also be it. 

You don't want to think about the reasoning, though, you just want the problem fixed. You want that good feeling that you think you're supposed to get when you find your name, the same good feeling when people call you sir or boy or man. You know that feeling, you like that feeling, you would trade this feeling for that feeling any fucking day. 

But you apparently can't have good things or something, because this name bullshit is making you painfully aware of your curves, the way your voice is way too fucking high pitched, the way your face is too round, your eyes are too wide, your shoulders too small, and the fact that you're way too fucking short. 

It's pathetic. 

You're pathetic. 

But honestly? What else is new? 

You're about to be a senior in fucking high school, you're going to be cleared to move the fuck out of this shitty ass house with no food and an older brother/guardian who treats you like shit, and you'll be able to go somewhere better than this. (Though you're pretty sure that anywhere is better than here, some days) But instead of being pumped as fuck for that and trying to get good scores or some shit like everyone else is, you're balled up on your floor, just about fucking paralyzed over the thought of changing your name even though it's been something you've been trying to do for literal fucking  _years._

You don't  _understand_. 

You have the name, you should be happy. You know that having the name isn't supposed to fix all your shit, obviously, you're still going to be dysphoric as hell even with it, but shouldn't you feel something other than massive fucking dread?

Yes. The answer is yes, but you're not so lucky as to _actually_ get to be happy about something. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Anyway here's my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
